I’m tired of people.  I’m tired of people who feel their success comes from a driving sense of altruism, when, in reality, that may have been the start but now it is an ego boost.   I finished reading Game Change by John Heilemann and Mark Halperin this week.  Although they state it is about the 2008 election season, it does focus more on the Democratic primary: I wish they had gone deeper into that and left the general election out of the text (let’s face it, we all knew the story about Alaska and the backyard before the book).  So much of the log jam is explained: about how autocratic, draconian leadership never works and yet it is replicated over and over again.

I made a mistake of speaking up (shock, I know to those of you who actually KNOW me).  Speaking up is an act of selflessness: you risk the ostracism, the mean girls and the post-modern insult of all “public defriendment” on a popular social networking site.  Really? If a person takes the act of courage to say to the institutionalized hierarchy: “you are wrong” do you actually think defriending is going to upset someone? If anything, it re-affirms the ego strength it takes to push back against the change of fear that is driving the culture we live in: from Wall Street, to Washington, to small businesses to internet sites (Yes, many of us wail when social networking sites change their format – after all, it is important to know if somebody sent you a present for you latest gaming need!).

Did we ever have a sense of conversation in this country?  Are individuals so insecure that having a conversation – a true conversation – risky? The cliché is true: for great rewards, great risks are needed.  Yet, when those in charge of an organization be it a volunteer group to a Fortune 500 company to a branch of government are so insecure that they cannot, will not even listen to an individual who might have an alternative solution or idea we risk losing more than the person: we extinguish the creative spirit which has fueled more than just artists.  In some ways, I find myself wondering, are we a culture where we’d rather set aside the one or two who speak out than risk saying “(S)he might have a point.”  Discourse does not have to be belligerent: often it only becomes so because a person is stretched to a position where (s)he is not heard.  When did we stop respecting differences? When did creativity become a bad thing?

Creativity is not simply painting (although I’m jealous of my friends who can), writing, dancing.  Webster’s defines creativity as “to bring into existence, to invest with a new form, to produce through imaginative skill, to make or bring into existence something new”.  It is the ability to bring something into existence: not just formulate a thought but to bring it forth.  To be creative, to risk the process of bringing forth an idea that is in refinement is one that attracts labels that are often pejorative: “disorganized”, “lazy”, “dictatorial” and on and on.

Creativity prevents stagnation: it is what moves a society forward.  Fear of creativity, fear of change, fear of failure; fear of different voices in conversation cause an idea or a place to become static.  The process, the creative process, often is not one that lends itself to easy conversations or at times words.  For many, it is fragmented, bubbling, back and forth dance of one or maybe two individuals.

We often lose sight of what sparks a change: maybe it is what we once opposed but forced us to draw notice to an issue.  A substantive, substantial change within organizations often occurs after an individual who brings the idea forward is gone but the outline of the creation remains.  What is in is that when pressed cannot share the co-creation if that is the circumstance? Of saying, somebody else showed us the problem and we continued?

The refinement of an idea, of a process cannot happen alone but to shutter the risk of the creative, be it pragmatic, practical, artistic, is to accept what is as perfect and immovable.  The creative process, even in its failure, provides much more than a tangible item.  It is in the process we cradle the possibilities: discover the underlying nexus of many a thought and yield unintentional results.   When we turn our back to those who are unafraid to speak their minds because of our insecurities, we are saying we do not value the risk of creativity because of an insecurity of self.

So I sit wrapped in this vortex.  My creativity is not of the artistic kind (my youngest nieces have offered to teach me how to draw) but of the type that questions, analyzes and wonders why.  I can read a book and dissect the argument for the exercise: not out of malice but to understand the process, to take the process to the next step simply for the pursuit.  Creativity inspires creativity be it in historical research or in opera.  And while I know this: I find myself and others not being appreciated for our abilities.

I wonder, as I often do, what will happen when the collective we looses the group of people who are willing to take the risk of shunning for creativity: for saying, this is how I think it may work, or this is the pattern.  Often, it is the unheard voice or the unpopular, dismissed voice that so often proves to be the one that discovers the solution.  What will happen when enough people see that to speak in dissent is to risk banishment? Or is it too late: have we already lost the inherent value of creativity in our culture?

I know I’m stretched.  My essence, my truth is to speak my mind, my thoughts and take those risks.  And still, the lessons of speaking my mind have been acidic with my ideas adopted weeks or months after the fact without acknowledgement if I’m lucky: or when I’m unlucky, being told they are “coincidence”.  Speaking ones’ mind, holding on to the creative spirit is living in a constant state of risk of self.  And what we will do when it is finally extinguished it terrifying.  Our greatest ideas come from when an individual wonders what would happen when we take a risk to find a new answer to an old question, to put art onto a canvas a new way and others respect the effort.  Until we do this consistently and honestly, we will remain in this stagnant logjam that we have borne witness to since the 2008 election.  Creativity is not to be feared: it is the lack of creativity that needs to be feared.

Perhaps it is because of the growth of ever popular social networking sites, blogs, texts, etc, that as a society we “feel” we know people better than we probably do.  Somebody the other day told me they considered me a friend.  I was thinking, I don’t know if you are left handed or right handed.  I’m not sure why that suddenly bothered me: but it did.  I don’t toss the friendship word around.  I might toss my time around, being nice to people around (shouldn’t we all be a bit nicer?) but I’ve learned over the past year to weave my inner circle tighter.

I was accused of being callous and not being open.  This person didn’t know I was unemployed; for almost a year.  Maybe I am jaded.  I am not the person who is going to trust you with the keys to my car because you look trust worthy.  I’ll give you the shirt off my back: but I’ve been burned by letting people into my inner world.  I can help you move, watch your kids or bring a meal over.  Maybe I’ve been kicked in the face one too many times to just trust people because they say they are trust worthy.  Maybe because I’ve recently seen the impact of gossip by adults against other adults and the painful, painful impact it still leaves.  Maybe because I’ve been kicked to the curb by people one too many times because I wasn’t “cheerful” enough.  (Because people who know me ascribe that adjective to me on a regular basis. . . ).

And yet, through all of that reconnections have been made.  It’s interesting to see who walks back in and who only appeared to be there – only to kick you to the curb when you were no longer useful.

1) They are laid up with an illness and have time on their hands and are bored.

2) They are unemployed and looking for something to do.

3) It’s fun. It’s a distraction while a sporting event is on or the kids are at ball practice.

4) They are adults and simply want to play a harmless game.

There is enough pure hatred over REAL issues: race, sexual orientation, health care and the list goes on that if you feel compelled to join such a site, think.  Do you *really* need to let everybody know?  What you are, in essence, is saying to a friend, there is something you do in innocent fun about you that I don’t like.  It speaks volumes about you.  On one popular networking site, you can block all game feeds.  If you don’t want to read something, don’t read it.  Many people ignore things that annoy them about social networking sites (like celebrity look alike posts, love for your spouse sites – especially those of us who don’t have that right extended to us in all states, your favorite vegetable, etc) and don’t feel the need to create and join groups.  Why? We realize it’s in good fun.

It’s like saying please and thank you.  Of course, those are also in short supply.  But that seems to be an advanced lesson.

Part of Shulman’s argument I had a problem with is her statement of how family is the center of so much (true) and not needing the sanctification of marriage (she doesn’t need it).  For me, I’m not sure how I can see the equality in those thoughts.  For me, I would think Shulman would NEED the sanctification of marriage.  I have issues with her book and it being more of a self-reflection and craving empirical research behind her premise.  I wonder at times if it is generational: for me, being able to marry the person of my choice and have it recognized in every state is a basic right.

At times, though, for me, I wonder how much of it goes back to the basic premise of feminism.  It’s probably a sin, but I’m not a feminist.  I can’t identify with the feminist movement.  It isn’t because of what they believe in – it’s over something I’ve never heard them say.  Women should have to register with the selective service.  That is equality.  That is the risk of saying “I am just like you and expect to be treated that way.”  I haven’t heard a leader of the feminist movement ever say it publically: and I can’t call myself a feminist until I do.  I know it’s weird/strange/odd but for me, it’s an important part of the identification.

I wonder if, in part, that is some of where Schulman’s point is with marriage.  Not wanting to be part of the institutions that created harm for LGBTQ individuals.  I don’t know.  What I do know is that the book is a conversation starter: it has an angry edge that goes on a bit and I hope it is built upon.  I find myself wondering are there gender differentiations in coming out a family acceptance.  And musing.  And we all know where that leads.

I pulled out my trusty iPhone that has a calculator and did the math (I can do math).  Sure enough my prime + as I was “told” by the Citibank representative did not match her words: it matched my computer screen.  A whopping 36.9%.  For a person who pays the bill in full each month for 10 years and has not missed or been late on a credit card payment.  When I challenged her? She tried to explain those were “international fees” but not interest rates.

The kicker? After I finally closed my account, she asked the reason.  I said because we bailed your asses out and you continue to lie.  She said it was a monitored line.  I said I didn’t care: it was the truth.  We did bail them out: and I had been lied to.  I asked for a letter stating the card had been closed in good standing.  The kicker – they needed my address to confirm I was really me.  But to close my account? They just needed the card number, not even the 3 digit security code.  Why does this seem odd to me?  I suddenly see lots of junk mail in my future.

I received in my inbox earlier this week the annual report and like a good member of a self-governing church, I read the document and noticed an item.  I was dropped by committee from the roles.  I was stunned.  Never mind the time, money and energy I had spent over the past 9 years.  Never mind the effort it would have taken for an e-mail, phone call or a letter asking if I would like to resign.

Until that point, every church membership I held had been in this denomination.  It was the denomination I grew up in spiritually.  When I moved to attend seminary (yes, you read that right), it was like out of sight, out of mind.  No pastoral calls, no e-mails.  No, hey, how are you?  I was struggling finding a slice where I felt my faith was comfortable.  I had surgery 5 times.  I lost 3 people who were very significant in my life.  I faced a long period of unemployment.  But that wasn’t part of the life journey that they wanted to hear. 

As soon as my checks stopped coming and I stopped donating time to teaching and mentoring the youth, I was removed from the path.  Without even a phone call.  Perhaps all are not really welcome.

Sometimes, people use the social networking sites just for the games.  That’s fine as well.  To each his/her own.  We don’t sit in a place to judge each others reality: maybe the world would be a bit better if we offered support and compassion instead of  a cold shoulder and turning away.  Maybe we are a too much like The Jersey Shore or The Real Housewives of Orange County/New York/Atlanta/New Jersey than we care to admit.

No building codes: generations of families gone.  Houses are, or I should say, were, layered as a new generation was added to the family.  Concrete slabs.  Formerly holding in the generations.  Now forming tombs that rescuers struggle to reach.  The death tolls? 100,00 and climbing.  100,000.  That’s Knoxville, TN.  Naperville, IL. Pasadena, CA.  A football stadium on game day – gone.  And that is just what we know.

In the middle of deep recession the world responds: with open arms.   Why? How can we not?  Iceland – basically a country for sale – sends one of the first rescue teams.  Hati has always needed our support.  This disaster killed, yes killed, many of those who where there to help.  The UN lost at least 14. 

Maybe in the rebuilding of Hati, we will see a phoenix.  Hati is the second oldest country in the Western Hemisphere behind the United States (thanks Rachel Maddow!).  Maybe in this rebuilding we can work with the Haitians to build an infrastructure that will sustain the nation through the hurricanes that seem to pummel her every few years.  Hati needs everything.

Pat Robertson was dead wrong.  This is an opportunity for the world to show our compassion towards each other.  We do such a great job of tearing each other apart.  This is our time to show our ability to act towards a greater good, simply because we can.

We miss so much and the obvious.  My phone can do a power point presentation, surf the web and make a phone call. And it powers on SO much quicker.  Ok, I can’t play Farmville on it real well but we spend the time not paying attention to the reality.  You think you know me through a blog, a connection but how much of me do you know?  How much of you do I know? Do we really care about each other beyond the superficiality that caused that inital interaction? And why is there always a pecking order, lack of real conversation and a need to blind side even in small groups.

My ankle is pounding again.  The obvious sign of too many planes in too few days, my body is telling me it needs time at home.  My mind is scattered in a thousand different places; never fully woven back together from the stunning news you leveled on me just before the holiday.  Maybe one day I can look back with a smile or with pride.  But for now, you hurt me as much as they did.  Only you knew you were delivering the blow.